Cthulhu crocheted hat by CraftyPA

Sometimes, you stumble across cool grannies while hunting for handcrafted goods. Not only does the proprietorix of Etsy's CraftyPA fund visiting the grandkids by crocheting garments of unfathomable evil but her response to my head measurement was "let me add a couple stitches" instead of the typical "yarn stretches." On top of that, she agreed to refund my original purchase price if efforts to clad me in atrocity failed.
Coolness of the seller aside, this is one of my favorite Cthulhu ski mask patterns. Several others mistake the my elder god for a green dude vomitting calamari or appear based off those wonky headdresses from the "Collect Call of Cthulhu" episode of The Real Ghostbusters. This one has a large alien-looking forehead, evil shaped eye openings, and nicely varied mouth tentacles.



If there's anything I don't dig 100%, it's the puny human mouth opening. It's nigh impossible to lift the tentacles out of the way and aim the fairly minuscule opening at the mouth of the average pint glass. However, that's a very minor concern.
In terms of construction, it's abundantly apparent CraftyPA knows what she's doing. I went through row by row looking for odd gaps or loose stitches. In the end, I found nothing posing a significant threat to structural integrity. I'd honestly say that if the one odd looking spot isn't a byproduct of the method, it adds a lot of character and isn't worth sweating.
All in all, this particular incarnation of Cthulhu was a steal of a deal at $23.00. Due to being made of acrylic fiber, there is a high degree of scratchiness. However, that fiber is a bit less likely to shrink if washed improperly. That's a real bonus if you plan to sip a pint without removing any layers. It also came in handy as the garment smelled of cigarettes enough to feasibly remind the cats of my ex. They sort of declared a jihad upon all signs of her return and might have killed Crochethulhu if I had to undergo a particularly complicated wash ritual.

95.234/100

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Phuddy Duds Red Warrior Helm

The wife often asks me why I hate on hipsters. It's because they keep on following me and tainting perception of how I roll. Ironic appreciation was my thing for fifteen+ years now it makes me an insta-bastard. Cool kids gave me shit at a Between the Buried and Me concert for wearing a hand-knit Froghat. Within six months, I caught some of the same skinny-jeaned bastards on the subway wearing Knitwit penguins. Then the other day, I got some mail encouraging me to buy an amazing LULZy insta-beard hat to amuse my clear-lenses glasses buddies.
Those hideous machine-made turds struck me as downright blasphemy against the glory of Phuddy Duds masterpiece.



Let's start at the tippity top. That bump rendered so poorly by my ultra-deficient camera is the traditional hub where the seams in steel helmets meet. Such details will be missed by most but the Phudsters included both as well as using a yarn with sparkly threads to lend the piece some glint.




 



Something else my easily overwhelmed picture generator cannot truly convey are the textural flourishes of the main body. Rows alternate between slanted vertically oriented stitches then horizontal "mini-braids." Facial hair is far less smooth than the gentle fiber used here and the little textural touches really help maintain the standard for realism set in upper potions.






As Louis Jucker from The Ocean illustrates, the braids are very well done too. They flow and hang like properly weighted facial hair and look positively spiffy during rounds of headbanging.
Phuddy Duds did a great job on their Viking hats. Some might prefer the white-haired version. It suggests a higher rank in the hordes and has a nicely shaped helm portion complete with nosebridge. However, I'd stick with the red version as the beard style is better for Metal shows. Plus, the open facial cavity makes it easier to fit on more epic heads.






99/100

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